It's not me...

Oh John, you shouldn't have. A $5 billion package for higher education? That's really sweet... and it's not like I don't appreciate the gesture (because I do!), but you and I both know this thing was over before it even began. I was just a child when you came into my life. And look, this education reform is really unexpected - I didn't think you felt this way - but it's not enough. You can't sustain a relationship with grand gestures alone. I know you've gone all out on this - even though, let's face it, Peter probably chose the flowers and bought the chocolates and knotted your tie before you came over - he did, didn't he? -

What? I know you're trying to win me back, but we were never really together to begin with. Look - no - I think you had the wrong idea. I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I was just with you out of convenience, and I thought we both realised that. Yeah, I know that's a horrible thing to say, but it's true, John. Don't look at me like that! It's not like you haven't behaved deplorably yourself - no, let me finish - let me finish! - it's not like you didn't make it nearly impossible to get support while I was studying, support I could have used three years ago before your grand economic gesture, by the way - it's not like you didn't spend every night together with Brendan fucking Nelson at the pub abolishing student unionism - look, I know he didn't think of that on his own, all right? And it's not it's not like you didn't let that grubby wench Helen Coonan put her dirty little deregulating fingers all over the industry I want to work in - yeah, I know about you and her. Well, it's not like you were being discreet about it.

So don't start with this "I'm doing my best to support you now" crap, okay? You haven't learnt from you mistakes, and you're not fooling anyone. And anyway, I'm seeing someone else, someone who can really revolutionise my education, if you know what I mean - yeah, fuck you right back. It's over, babe.

And also, I want my Nick Cave cd back.